Music on the brain

A lot of the time I manage to convince myself that I’m a normal functioning human being. One of the great big pool of the many. A unique being in a world where everyone’s unique, so not really unique at all, but still unique at being unique.

Sometimes, though, I find myself noticing things about myself that aren’t really ‘right‘. Or ‘standard‘. Or ‘normal‘. They make me unique, but not in a conscious way, so maybe that’s just a nice way of saying ‘fucked up‘, or ‘broken‘. Or maybe I’m just so evolved that the normal brainwaves of you mere mortals are nowhere in the vicinity of my thinking capacities (I’m going with broken, personally).

One such moment occurred yesterday, when I was chatting away on some dating app or other, and the topic turned to music. Now. Music isn’t all too complicated a topic (unless you ask me to justify my taste for horrendous artists and the much hated ‘I love country’ statement) until it makes you come to a realization that music apparently doesn’t work the same for everyone. Or at least, for me.

How did I come to this realization?
Someone said that they loved just ‘putting on some music and relaxing‘. Which, granted, is a pretty common statement that I hadn’t really ever pondered all too much. A lot of people feel like that about music. I mean, how many times have you seen movies where the epitome of relaxation is the scarcely clad female lead sinking into a VERY foamy bathtub, with candles burning and sweet sweet music playing. I was all on board with that being a thing. Until yesterday when I suddenly felt weirded out by someone putting it like that. Because to me – music isn’t relaxing. Like. At all.

Even when it’s the most chill and flowy, musically gentle, sleep-inducing little tune – that’s NOT relaxing to me. Music to me is hard work. Seriously. I suppose it fits in with my overthinking persona, but when someone (or myself) puts on a song, my brain starts racing in about 10 different directions. Relaxation? Not an option.

Because regardless of what we’re listening to – I’ll be trying to decide on a great many things (instead of just, what other people apparently DO manage, appreciating the song). For instance:

– Who is the artist? I recognize this voice. They sound familiar. Who voiced that chorus? Damn, this sounds like Timbaland producing, I wonder who made this beat.
*Proceeds to Google all of these things*

– Damn, these lyrics are on point. I wonder if I’ve ever experienced something that way. Can I apply them to my life? Should I feel emotional about this? Hey, what was that sentence? I can’t hear what they’re saying exactly, what if I miss the entire message now?
*Proceeds to Google all of the lyrics and puts the song on repeat until she can hear them clearly*

– This song is so lovely. I wonder if there’s a videoclip that’s equally awesome. HEY, there’s a videoclip. I know that actor from somewhere, I wonder if he’s in that one series I once watched 5 years ago. YESS. I KNEW IT.
*And then I suddenly find myself three hours later, entrenched 16 levels in the depths of the Youtube archives, watching the blooper reel from the making of a Meghan Trainor popsong.*

Music, in that way, is complex. A simple song contains so many layers of information, all of which interests me in some capacity, that I can’t ‘just‘ listen to music. There’s so much to know, learn, connect and find when it comes to all of the samples, words, people (and people around those people). There’s numbers, and facts and live performances to judge against recorded songs and and and and.

Music is a LOT of things.
But to me?
It’s not relaxing.