Hypocrite

‘I SO desperately need to lose weight!’

Above phrase has been a part of my life ever since my metabolism decided I was ‘big-boned’ (aka, not petitely built and using this as an excuse for excess).

And it doesn’t even matter if it’s exclaimed as a phrase to a boyfriend you want to be gorgeous for. A friend you want to rant to. Family members you want to complain to. Or random internet strangers you want confirmation from. It’s a surefire strategy for a lively discussion.

Hence – most of my life has been an on and off Rollercoaster (or yo-yo, if you will) of diets and binges and crashdiets to absolve the binges and binges to compensate for dieting and and all-round horrorfest of wanting-to-be-skinny without doing any of the work to-be-skinny for someone who isn’t built to be-skinny.

Curvy, the word of this era, expresses my general state of curvaceousness perfectly…yet I simultaneously pine to be the type of hip-protruding bony of the size 0 crowd regardless of the fact that even if I stop eating till I perish – that will never be me. People calling me curvy as a compliment need to wash their mouth with soap. That just instantly translates to fat.

Which…honestly….I am. In my eyes especially. In BMI terms officially. And in the realm of men and women of the world definitely. Except the people who like me and feel a need to reassure me enough to make me feel like not-a-mountain.

Fat, after all…is subjective. Weight….is relative. Build is indicative and all of these, in the grand scheme of things…don’t even fucking matter.

Yet, all I want is to be skinny like Miley Cyrus in Wrecking ball. While feeling as rambuctiously rebellious and good about my curves as Lizzo with her song Soulmate. And simultaneously eating all of the crap I love – without feeling guilty or doomed.

Because today I made white chocolate and marshmallow bananas (because I had some bananas that were dying) – which is a dish that totally mirrors this bodily hypocrisy. Being one thing while wanting to be another thing.

It looks as bad as it IS for your body – while tasting every bit of forbiddenly good that it can. Reaping destruction on your weight while feeling like heaven on your tongue. It is the perfect signpost for wanting to be healthy while refusing toeat healthy.

And with every bite you’re loving yourself for the creation while hating yourself for your lack of self-discipline. A fucking hypocrite in action. Speaking about that need to lose weight while omnomnomming the caloriebomb of doom.

Why is it that everything that’s good for us is so fucking awful. While everything we love is so damn bad for us?

The universe WANTS us to be hypocrites.

And fat.

Mostly fat.