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‘I SO desperately need to lose weight!’

Above phrase has been a part of my life ever since my metabolism decided I was ‘big-boned’ (aka, not petitely built and using this as an excuse for excess).

And it doesn’t even matter if it’s exclaimed as a phrase to a boyfriend you want to be gorgeous for. A friend you want to rant to. Family members you want to complain to. Or random internet strangers you want confirmation from. It’s a surefire strategy for a lively discussion.

Hence – most of my life has been an on and off Rollercoaster (or yo-yo, if you will) of diets and binges and crashdiets to absolve the binges and binges to compensate for dieting and and all-round horrorfest of wanting-to-be-skinny without doing any of the work to-be-skinny for someone who isn’t built to be-skinny.

Curvy, the word of this era, expresses my general state of curvaceousness perfectly…yet I simultaneously pine to be the type of hip-protruding bony of the size 0 crowd regardless of the fact that even if I stop eating till I perish – that will never be me. People calling me curvy as a compliment need to wash their mouth with soap. That just instantly translates to fat.

Which…honestly….I am. In my eyes especially. In BMI terms officially. And in the realm of men and women of the world definitely. Except the people who like me and feel a need to reassure me enough to make me feel like not-a-mountain.

Fat, after all…is subjective. Weight….is relative. Build is indicative and all of these, in the grand scheme of things…don’t even fucking matter.

Yet, all I want is to be skinny like Miley Cyrus in Wrecking ball. While feeling as rambuctiously rebellious and good about my curves as Lizzo with her song Soulmate. And simultaneously eating all of the crap I love – without feeling guilty or doomed.

Because today I made white chocolate and marshmallow bananas (because I had some bananas that were dying) – which is a dish that totally mirrors this bodily hypocrisy. Being one thing while wanting to be another thing.

It looks as bad as it IS for your body – while tasting every bit of forbiddenly good that it can. Reaping destruction on your weight while feeling like heaven on your tongue. It is the perfect signpost for wanting to be healthy while refusing toeat healthy.

And with every bite you’re loving yourself for the creation while hating yourself for your lack of self-discipline. A fucking hypocrite in action. Speaking about that need to lose weight while omnomnomming the caloriebomb of doom.

Why is it that everything that’s good for us is so fucking awful. While everything we love is so damn bad for us?

The universe WANTS us to be hypocrites.

And fat.

Mostly fat.

47 thoughts on “Hypocrite

  1. Oh boy do I feel your pain! lol Covid is my excuse for my weight gain. It used to be my one and only pregnancy but he is 37 now so I think that ship has sailed. And I am curious about these bananas, is that a “thing” in your country? I have never seen anyone do bananas like that! Maybe Canadians need to hop on that banana band wagon…..

    Liked by 7 people

  2. 37…yeah…I fear that might be a bit passed the ‘legit’ date too πŸ™ˆ

    I don’t think they’re a country based thing tbh..
    I just googled recipes for overripe bananas (I bought a bunch but didn’t eat them) and this popped up and turned out to work like a charm 🀣

    They’re a total recommended option!
    Warm the oven on 180 degrees celcius or whatever that is in fahrenheit…
    Carve em through the middle…jam chocolate and marshmallows in the cut and stick em in the oven for 10 minutes.

    Grab a spoon et voila. Scrumptious weightkiller done!

    Liked by 6 people

  3. Honestly there are definitely different sides to this story. You can be a hypocrite on many things. I for one have done that in regards to eating healthy. I would say I want to maintain weight. I was always skinny then 30 hit. Mind you I was told prior to 30 that I would eat and eat an never gain. In my mind I believed those people and shouldn’t have. Now I’m in my forties and can’t go back to those days before 30. Metabolism is of the devil I tell ya. But nevertheless I choose to feel beautiful in whatever state I’m in. I would not call you fat. That’s not nice to say at all. I would not encourage you to stay in a place of complacency either. All I will say is we all have a form of hypocrisy in us and it’s up to us to press past those things that try to hinder our progress in whatever capacity.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. I love the complexity and openness of this comment!
      It shows the two sides of how I want to feel perfectly!
      I both wanna feel beautiful as I am and be better at the same time, better being skinnier. It seems like the two are far apart…but I think you’re right. We can press past the divide and find a way to have both!

      Awesome comment. Thanks!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. so retable.
    Savor the bite, no more diets and then go do one of my workout videos -:)
    Thanks for the self promotion Zoe.. lol. 🀣 Seriously, I’ve posted some and might need to list others that I haven’t yet on YouTube. Lmk .

    Liked by 4 people

  5. I’ve always said that if broccoli tasted chocolate cake, I would have the healthiest diet in the world. Unfortunately, it is what it is. In the end, it still tastes like broccoli. The only way to make it better is to pour melted cheese all over it.

    Liked by 6 people

  6. 54 here. In October, something in my head snapped and I knew I wasn’t going to be fat again. I dropped to 165 in 6 months. The yo-yo slings faster as you age. I lost all the weight without any additional exercise or physical activity. A friend of mine got the phrase, “Nothing tastes as good as this feels” stuck in my mind and it resonates in my head when I start fearing I’m going to eat all the things again. PS Exercise has its benefits – but no matter how much you exercise, it will only account for 30% of your total energy expenditure. Controlling what you eat is so much simpler.
    For me, potato chips call my name.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. The standards for women are impossible to achieve, let me say repeat, “they are ~ IMPOSSIBLE!” It’s beneath our consideration and effort, but we live in the world, not under a rock, so there is no way to avoid the pressure to be thin. I prefer to consider my lifestyle, I like chocolate and wine, and that’s not going to change. My daughter asked me once, “is it worth changing your entire lifestyle for 10 pounds?” No. So she said, “then accept your body type, enjoy your life, and let go of all those impossible expectations.” She’s a wise one. She also said, “your past self doesn’t need you, your future self does.” And someone has to be kind to the carbs, I’m you’re girl, I say live well not deprived. Hugs, C

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Haha – chocolate and wine IS a killer combo indeed. I’m with you on not budging in cutting that out!

      Too bad my love also extends to anything fried. Or sugary. Or humongous.

      But live well, not deprived sound fucking great. And I suppose they WILL find a cure for fatness sooner or later. Or America will sink eventually 🀐🀐

      Liked by 1 person

  8. WeLL it’s True In Terms of Evolutionary Anthropology

    Humans Living In the NetherLands Ice Cold Snows

    Generally Speaking Are Evolved For More

    Subcutaneous Fat Yes Underneath

    Skin To Keep Ya Warm and

    Alive in the Snow

    True Yesterday

    i Remarked i Felt like

    i Am Most Skilled in Moon-Walking

    Yes Dancing the Beach in Reverse And in

    Spiraling Ways Leaving Tracks on the Beach
    As Waves Create Spiraling Shore Lines Art

    of Milky Way too With All Natural PHI Spiral

    Curves in Golden Way too Yet True Reaching

    61 on 6.6.21 Not Something i would Have Imagined

    In The Rolling Stones Concert As Depicted on my

    T-Shirt in 1975 Roaming Those Beaches All Tan and

    Blonde Hehe in 9th Grade at About 150 Pounds And

    Close to 6 Feet Tall Very Thin Indeed Oh Boy Did i get Cold
    When Winter Came Anyway Oh Lord Almost 100 Pounds More

    Now at 245.2 Pounds Weighing Myself After The Day’s Athletic

    Artistic Event While My Wife With her Pacific Islander Long Limbed

    Thin Heritage Only Gained up to 136 Pounds in Her Pregnancy

    And Didn’t Look A Bit Different After Delivery Than Before

    Delivery then.. Yeah Go Figure i Work-Out Like An

    Olympic Athlete And More Now As my First Love

    When i Was 18 She Was Cuban American

    And Had Rippling Stomach Muscles

    And my Other Girl Friends Who
    Were Just Friends Remarked

    Her Figure Was Absolutely

    Disgustingly ’10 Perfect’

    Then And Yeah My wife

    Doesn’t Even Have To Do More

    Than Shop And Walk To Retain

    Rippling Stomach Muscles Either

    Yep First and Last Loves With Perfect

    Figures and Honestly at 51 My Wife Still

    Beats the Real Teenager Cuban American

    Girl From back in 1978 Yet Me Even With

    All this Exercise i am Just One Furry Wookiee

    And Loyal FRiEnD to Everyone i meet Hmmmm…

    And Nah i rarely ever get Cold and My Wife Stays

    Cold in Almost Every Environment Inside and Out

    Until Summer Hits Outside Yet Still Cold Inside… Yes Your

    Sincere Honesty Relating All Your Feelings And Insecurities

    Getting All In Touch Within Your Shadow Is Very Impressive

    Zoe And True It seems You Are Very Gifted in Many Ways
    So What if there is More to Hug of You At Night as there is

    Something to Be Said for Someone to keep Ya Warm At Night too…

    Yeah i Also Had a Girl Friend Who was very tall and Gained up to 238 Pounds

    And i was Only about 170 Pounds then at age 26 i got real Cold then too and she kept me warm…

    Thats What i Remember

    About Her


    All the

    i Never even
    Think About Her
    Weight It’s True it’s

    How People Make Us
    Feel That is So Much More
    important Than Skin Deep my FRiEnD..

    Oh Lord All These Words Gained So Much Weight Hehe..;)

    Liked by 3 people

  9. I wanted to sympathize with you but I ended up laughing… It’s ironic that I struggle with the exact opposite… To gain weightπŸ˜’ it may be my genes.. Am resigning to that


  10. I can relate so well. I tried losing weight by cutting down my meals and soda intake but then, it didn’t work. School helps even better. No time to eat as much as I want. That’s my only hope ’cause working out ain’t my thing.

    And, I look like a twenty-two year old and I’m nineteen!β—‰β€Ώβ—‰

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Just eat mediterraneanly, and eventually you’ll be fine. Moreover, often “bad” food, like snacks, junk food etc. are substitutes for other things. Figure out what they are substituting and begin striving for what you really want. Lastly, think in detail of all the good reasons and benefits to loose weight and be healthy β€” whatever healthy might mean. When you do that and your desire to be healthy overcomes your desire for food that makes you get weight, then you’ll begin seeing this food as an obstacle and something “bad” and nothing you desire anymore.

    Hope you don’t mind for my without-being-asked comment/advice.



  12. I can totally relate to the post, I did that to me for almost a decade finally realising that it also about my structure that’s bigger then those petite girls I wanted to be part of. I lost all my body weight to fit myself into photographs with them but now I only befriend big girls with good appetite and we all look quite good in one frame😜


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