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Neighborly Noise Complaints

Disclaimer: TMI WARNINGS. TMI WARNINGS. T. M. I. Warnings!

Remember that neighbor that I’ve surely mentioned in a couple of blogs?
You know the one that mysteriously seemed to hate me for no reason other that whatever reasons he probably has that are unbeknownst to me? Well.
He now officially has a reason to hate me as of yesterday.
So when he looks away and refuses to greet me when we both happen to be outside at the same time, as he has ever since I moved in – from now on I’ll accept this behavior as a valid way of acting.

Previously, I figured that it was the fact that I’m a single woman, living in a Church town, entertaining different sorts of unruly gentlemen at the dark hours of days (when I was single) and causing party-noise-complaints in the summer when BBQ-ing with friends. Or the fact that my previously see-through living room curtains may or may not have confronted him with images that may or may not have burned his corneas. But these were all guesses.


Because this time…I HAVE done something to deserve said treatment. My cheeks are still burning in shame, ya’ll. I might never be able to leave the house ever again. Shame. Shame. Shame.

Everybody recognizes those first few weeks of a new relationship right? Those days when leaving the bed feels like a chore and body-exploration seems the first and foremost important thing to be occupying oneself with. At least, that’s how mine usually go, anyway. Nothing wrong with that, in general.

Unless. You leave the bedroom window open. While engaged in such activities.
To be rudely interrupted by said neighbor VERY clearly, VERY loudly and VERY annoyedly ‘HARUMPHCOUGHGRMBL’-ing on the other side of the hedge. You know, the sort of phlegm-y attentioncough that teachers used to employ when they wanted to intrude in your personal conversations held during their classes.

I suppose that means that the summerBBQnoisecomplaints are very quickly overruled if you honor the entire neighborhood with an unrequested auditory glimpse into a not-so-silent-bedroom. Still – it’s better than one of those awkward post-its that you see on 9gag all the time:

In my defense – it’s like 4 degrees out at night, so when you’re having fun at 21:00 and it’s dark and cold outside….you’re not expecting anyone to actually be outside to hear. Plus, if you actually FORGET that the window was open (because you didn’t open it yourself)…can you really be held accountable? Especially if the sounds you produce are elicited by someone else entirely? No matter the fullblown pornstar moans they might be? And…I’m surely not to be held responsible for the fact that the headboard of my bed has had a centuries long feud with bedroom walls, with constant attempts at bashing them in. Thumpthumpthump. Right? Nor the fact that that same bed has had some rough times and creaks and groans and squeaks even on the slightest movement? I still feel like I’m the innocent party here.

The current theory, however, after we both collapsed in stomach-hurting bouts of laughter thanks to said interruption, is that we possibly, maybe, feasibly, perchance may have been loud enough for the neighbor to have been disturbed while safely cooped up INSIDE his home. So that he’d have to venture out into the garden to HARUMPH and notify us of our wrongdoings. Only to follow that up with going back inside and legit SLAMMING the french doors. WHICH IS EVEN WORSE.

My pride (and definitely my innocence) may never recover. But boy. Was that a fun Friday night.
As to the why of sharing this with all you internetty folk? Purely bragging. Guess who’s getting some?!


35 thoughts on “Neighborly Noise Complaints

  1. Once you’ve heard someone’s sex noises, you can never look at them the same way again.

    As someone who has been married forever, I miss those good old days!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Haha nail on the head!

      I mean…I just can’t imagine some people having sex at all…let alone make accompanying noises…
      Some things might just be meant for bedrooms only 🙈🤭


  2. I had a dream once that this girl I used to be friends with (when I say “used to,” I mean we just don’t really run in the same circles anymore, there was never any falling out, we just don’t really talk much these days) was my roommate. Except in my dream she was a ghost. And I couldn’t sleep because her ghost boyfriend was over every night and the were always having really loud ghost sex. And one night I was sitting on the couch, frustrated and unable to sleep, and she came out and sat on the couch just to say hi and hang out (she left her boyfriend in her bedroom, I guess), and she said, hey, what’s up, and I said, look, I’m really happy for you guys, but I can’t sleep… and then I woke up and I don’t know what happened after that.

    That’s all. Just a kind of related story. And as far as I know, this girl is still alive and not a ghost (unless someone is posting on her Facebook pretending to be her), so I don’t get that part of the dream.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can’t imagine somebody making a big deal of it. Surely he should just have shut his window, or door, or whatever?!? Some people hate the idea of anybody else having any fun, don’t they.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Yep, good story. I remember a couple going at it on their yacht one night. It was anchored near mine and, as the crescendo neared, my lady friend was in shock – the breathing, the feverish sounds of orgasm. I can’t see why she was shocked, we did the very same thing half an hour earlier and they would’ve heard our passion. I guess they were inspired. -M

    Liked by 2 people

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