Love and Risk Aversion

There’s only a few things that I am certain of in life – and one of them is that I do NOT like uncertainty.
Unknown gifts freak me the hell out and if you ever think of throwing me a surprise party: rethink that strategy! Yer killing me!

I still think back in horror to that one time a couple of friends threw me and my ex a housewarming party (IN OUR NEW HOUSE) the night we got back from a vacation to the Dominican republic.
Aka – we’d just spent over 16 hours travelling, were tired, sweaty AND to top it all off I had had a…slight…bloody…inconvenience (imagine – gushing blood drenching pants) on the drive home from the airport.
We walk into our house (we’d barely moved into) and instead of peace and quiet find 15+ friends cheering, hollering and preparing three different kinds of soups – while I’m standing there in blood-soaked pants and jaw on the floor. (You can imagine me fleeing up the stairs right after).
 I HATE surprises. But that one definitely tops the list of OMG. People being in my house uninvited, no matter the great intentions: NOPE. God. I hated that.

So yeah. I do not like uncertainty.
Which, especially in the lockdown we’re currently having – makes ‘simple’ things like dating a hell of a lot harder. The past few days I’ve found myself thinking about the risks of online dating more and more. Especially since – with a curfew and nothing being open – a lot of ‘first’ dates will end up taking place in or around my (or their) homes. And where, in the past, I’ve never had any issues inviting random dating-app strangers to my house (instead of safely meeting them in public places) – I find myself becoming more and more weary these days.

The first years after becoming single (stepping out of a solid 8 year relationship) I went a bit mad. Risk calculations were not made or discarded and pretty much anything was fine, dating-wise. My whole attitude was one of ‘even if it’s bad – it’s still an experience, and I’ll totally learn something about myself and the world’ and I was open to pretty much discovering anything. Fun times.

Now, as a recovering heartbreak-patient-of-doom – my dating approach has become almost entirely Risk Averse, I’m realizing more and more.
Risk aversion is choosing the safe options, even though they yield a lower outcome so that you gain the maximum amounts of certainty. Which also means not opting for the more risky, uncertain options that might have a way better reward. In finance and economics, that can be a solid approach. In dating – that tends to slide straight into ‘settling’. Which sucks. Obviously.

Example:
I had a friend who used Tinder as a candy store. Picking whatever she felt like, whenever she felt like it. She’d have no problem swiping right on those ‘guys’ with an interesting profile, but no pictures (or irrelevant/body shots ones). She’d swipe right on ‘guys’ with the fake names, or the obvious aliases or the ‘this can’t be real’ catfish shots. She’d take a chance on the ‘too good to be true’ doctors and lawyers and would meet up with total red-flag storytellers. And she had a fucking blast (didn’t find love, obviously, but totally had a blast).
And I’d always be chatting to her, wide-eyed and with looks of utter surprise at the risks she was willing to take (and the pay-off she got from doing so). Eventually mustering up the courage to even up my game a bit as well in my swiping endeavors. I had the best time, after that. All of the fun, all of the experiences and all of the (horror)stories to tell. Nothing traumatic, but just – enriching.

These days?
Not so much anymore.
Profiles that aren’t complete, don’t look real or seem too good to be true – I don’t even bother with.
Guys who can’t bother to use their real name, look like they’re taken or have even the slightest red flag in their pics or bio? – Not a chance.
Matches that say something out of the ordinary (and the invisible lines) during a chat? – Poof.

It’s almost a miracle that there’s even dates to plan at all with this approach. And the more I think about it – the sadder that makes me.

I miss the part of me that was adventurous and casual enough to just think ‘Let’s do this and just see how it goes’. The part that wasn’t concerned with checking all of the imaginary boxes for the perfect partner and maximum safety in an attempt to not let her heart be at risk.

I would love to find my way back to that view of unbridled curiosity and bravery. To the person who’d just plan a date in a zoo with a dude from Tinder, only to end up climbing the fences to a closed outdoors pool to go swimming with a guy she just met, without needing him to be instant forever-material. But instead I find myself swiping right on guys that look ‘comfortable’. ‘Kind’. ‘Safe’. Only to still end up getting ghosted even by those douchebags.

At least in the old style I’d still have gone swimming, dammit.

I think at some point, risk aversion becomes a greater force for possible life-ruining-capacity, than actually just going out there, take some chances and really living. But that’s easier said than done, right?