Tinder Tales – Ixnay on the Indertay

Back into the fray, my dear!

With a sentence like this? I can actually imagine myself sitting atop a huge black horse, on a mountaintop, looking down on the battlefield of love. Armor fully intact but battleworn and with a heavy heart (with one too many patches, maybe). But ready for battle none the less.

Lets just say reality really does pale in comparison. Sadly.

After my post last week on the weaknesses that might come with love – I bravely created a new Tinder account. Because everyone knows: Tindering is THE way to dip your toe back into the cesspool. Eh. Datingpool. Right?
And since last year already proved that actual dating sites yield no better candidates than the now-classic swipey apps, I figured: why the hell not. It’s a good pastime regardless of finding the actual mister right.

It obviously didn’t take me long to get weary again. With a boatload of new matches under my belt I can safely say that Tinder…Tinder never changes. I suppose that’s mostly because our very human dating needs don’t really change that much either (even though these days showing a bit of ankle ain’t enough to please a fella and cause a scandal no more). Pleasure and procreation. We’re such simpleminded creatures.

Which means that in order to save yourself some time – it’s important to become aware of the ‘secret code language’ that is used for Tinder biographies. And by secret code language – I mostly just mean the lingo. Because it’s very much not-secret. And not-subtle. So let me translate what some of the words used in the tiny bit of text under the swipe-able pictures (can) mean, for those of you who use Tinder (or who are curious from the safety of your happy relationship):

* ONS -> One night stand
* NSA -> No strings attached
* FWB -> Friend with benefits (also found as Friends+)
* Eggplant + waterdrops (+ peaches or cherries) emojis -> Well. You can figure that one out yourself, right? Classy.
* 420 -> Will smell like weed. Or bad hygiene. Or both.

Usually one or a a combi of either is found in a bio to qualify that the user either DOES (just) want dates for these obvious purposes in their Tinder foraging OR is very much against those and ‘wants something serious’ (which loosely translates to: ‘I’m saying I’m looking for something serious so I don’t lose the girls who want to come across as not easy even though they are, but actually I  do totally want ONS/FWBs for sure’).

Nothing wrong with upfront honesty though. Saves us all a bunch of time.
Lets move on!

Guys these days either opt for no text at all, have a passive aggressive list of the suckiness of Tinder and unwanted partner-qualities OR (and this saddens me to no end, because it’s an instant-swipe-to-the-left) will have either of the following terms included on their profile (with my own added translations, of course)

* Open-minded -> I don’t mind either of us sleeping around. Would totally go for a threesome. Like it kinky
* Open -> see above – AND I’m probably already taken
* In an open relationship -> see above – AND I’m definitely taken
* Poly (or polyamorous)-> More more more! Ps. Probably also already taken.
* Ethical non-monogamy -> More more more, but with a LOT of talking! And definitely already taken.
* My girlfriend says I’m cute -> Just. Wow.
* 1+1=3 / unicornhunter -> Looking for an extra girl (never a guy, obviously) for a threesome that I instigated and my partner isn’t really down for. Usually accompanied by pics of the happy couple or a scantily clad ladyfriend.
* Non-conventional -> Combination of all of the above. And BDSM. Please.
* Adventurous -> See above. But hopelessly single.
* Kinky -> Bring on the 50 shades of grey
* Dom/non-nilla/sub/likes the color grey/vanilla isn’t my favorite flavor: More BDSM. Please. And the real deal, tyvm.

It really really makes a girl wonder: what happened to all the ‘normal’ (read: mono and conventional) guys out there?
Do you think there’s actual truth in the statement: ‘All the good ones are already taken. Or gay?’
I mean, I suppose there is, seeing as the last 5 times I googled a hot-as-fuck actor in one of the things I was watching they definitely ended up batting for the other team. And judging from the amount of open-minded fellas on this here Tinder – the taken part is also very deeply covered.

And then for something else – guess what the guys that I manage to spot WITHOUT any of these twitch-worthy phrases have: Kids.
Yes. Kids. Fuck.

Guess I’m screwed. And not in the good sense.

Maybe I should actually be looking for the horse to get on that mountaintop with. I hear saddles and riding do…wonders…too. Or something.