Saved by the gum (!?!)

Should the police be patting me down at some point during this year – one thing they’ll be sure to find on my person is going to be a pack of gum. Probably something hysterically berry or otherwise extremely flavored, even. Why gum, you might be wondering?

Well – let me first explain to you why I’m already calculating getting patted down by the police this year (-insert evil laugh here-). A friend pointed me towards The Innocence Test last week. I can never resist a fun test with embarrassing results so obviously I went for it.

Now – that score is pretty damn decent considering the remaining options that I did not have to confess to to get it. Most of them are somehow cop or drugs related, and I’m quite green in both of those areas (and intending to keep it that way, as well). But yaknow. My achievement-slut-subconscious did now find itself some new boxes to check, so who knows what my lizard brain will put me up to this year when the opportunity arises…gotta raise that number, right?

Anyway – back to the gum thing.

I will, from this day forth, always be in close proximity to a pack of gum, I’ve decided. This decision is NOT based on any actual scientific facts whatsoever, but my personal recollection of strange tidbits of information that I’ve pieced together into this routine adaptation. Just for the ‘let’s see what happens‘ factor of it.
Because gum – my fellow readers – is going to save me in upkeeping all of my resolutions and good habits, I’ve concluded.

How is something as simple as gum going to do that?
Lemme give you some reasons I’ve totally self-concocted and told myself to believe!

WELL.
1. Trickery!
My grandma always said that I should drink a glass of water first if I wanted to grab a snack. Because an empty stomach tells your brain to feed. Put water in it? Urge gone. Plus, we don’t really know whether we’re hungry or thirsty most of the time, anyway. And don’t they always say you best ‘get yourself off‘ (I can’t just go and say masturbate in a public blog right…wait…wut?) before making important decisions like who to text, or date or yell at extensively so as to clear your head and make better decisions?
Well – much along those same lines, the chewing motion ALSO tricks the body into thinking it has been fed. Or satisfied (EW GROSS!).
So chewing gum? All of the saliva and happy feelings AND no more hunger. BAM. No munchies! No Hangry! No Horngry!
(Obviously works for other areas of ‘need’ as well. I figure)
2. Focus!
Chewing draws focus away from other things. It occupies parts of your brain that would otherwise be…youknow…doing other things. Add that together with 1 and, for instance, suddenly grocery shopping becomes a lot more safe. Normally I’m a menace when I get to a supermarket hungry and focused on getting the shopping done. Add chewing gum et voila, attention diverted from scoring as much snacks my body is pretending to NEED for survival – diet saved!
3. Braaaiinnnnnz!
Chewing gets your muscles working, and when your muscles start working, more blood starts flowing. And when more blood starts flowing in the direction of ‘upstairs‘, more blood is also going to make it to the brain. So YAY increased memory, and concentration and reflexes and all of the good things a brain can do for us! Chompchomp.
4. Buhbye stress
Oh man, every time I’m up to bat I get so so nervous!
Unless you put some gum in my mouth. Suddenly I feel like a bad-ass about to do some bad-ass things merely for the fact that I get to stand there grinding my jaw like the best o’ them cowboys. It’s probably another distraction element connected to item 2 but who cares. Add gum – reduce stress (and attractiveness, sadly, because no one likes a cow, but hey. Sacrifices must be made! Although…Jason Derulo disagrees…sort of)

5. Control
I am a friggin sadist. I am. It’s true. And one thing you can always count on gum for?
Causing people discomfort! GLORY!
Whether it’s sitting next to them in a car and popping the gum, much to their dismay and pleas to stop. Whether it’s chewing so loudly those people suffering from misophonia perish on the spot or whether it’s making people crinkle their nose at the horrendous bubblegum smell permeating the environment – it doesn’t matter. Gum gets ya there! AWESOME.
6. Placebo effect!
Because that way – no matter whether all or any of these brilliant deductions actually work OR whether placebo effects saves the day (granted: probably gonna be the placebo effect!): It doesn’t matter!
Just like that one inspirational time Artie gave Brittany a magic comb to help her perform when in truth she was really doing it aaaaalll herself the whole time! Whether it was the comb or Brittany being awesome – that performance was EPIC.

So yeah. This years is going to be the chewiest year yet.
Feeling hungry? Gum.
Feeling horny? Gum.
Feeling stressed? Gum.
Feeling bored? Gum.
Feeling bad-ass? Gum.
Feeling mean? Gum.

I can’t wait to get to that first frisk-moment so I can throw the perfect line at the police officer:
‘Don’t worry officer. That’s a pack of gum in my pocket – I’m not happy to see you.‘
Winkwinknudgenudge.