Do(n’t) feed the troll xD!

Move over Kendall Jenner en Kim Kardashian!
Internet-fame has embraced me as its newest inhabitant and I shall need my throne polished and shined to its most sparkly capacity!

Because – as we all know: the true measure of internet fame is when you start getting haters and the trolls come out of the woodwork! I don’t just mean the spambots that WordPress’ Akismet is very capable of fishing out, but the true internet warriors that venture into the online world from the relative safety of their keyboard dungeons.

And I got one!
My very first one!
(I might possibly be way too inappropriately excited about this)
But I’ve been grinning and laughing my ass off since their first comment of my modest little blog – so I figured I’d document this for all eternity as the official first troll-sighting on Zoewiezoe!

Because believe it or not (I’d go for not, but who knows, all the evidence is apparently against me): I, apparently, am not Dutch.
Sorry family, colleagues, friends and teammates that are reading this blog – our whole connection has been a lie, or so I’m told!

It obviously doesn’t matter that I was born in a Dutch hospital in Holland to four generations of Dutch families. Speak Dutch. Attended a Dutch school. Got a Dutch bachelors degree (although, my English Master does ring some alarmbells, right?). It doesn’t matter that I have ‘Nationality: Dutch‘ on any legal document ever made in my name and currently live, work and write in Holland.

Nope. None of that matters. Because after posting yesterdays post to explain my choice to write this blog in English (rather than, again, Dutch) – I was notified of the fact that I am in fact. Not. Dutch. LE GASP!

Lucky for me a random internet stranger, never before seen or encountered, could conclude solely from my excellent English grammar skills (YAY compliment!) that I could not possibly be Dutch. See the below comment trail (so you can save yourself the clicking – unless you’re reading this in the reader, in which case you probably won’t see anything XD)

The thing is – it’s hard to convince anyone of anything they don’t wanna believe if they’re set on not wanting to believe something. I had way too much fun thinking of insane examples of how that might work, and let me tell you – I have PLENTY more. And yes, I laugh at my own jokes. A lot. Too. I wonder if that’s a non-Dutch thing, as well :O.

My brain just keeps going with the freaky examples of other content to that exact conversation since my last comment. It’s just. Too. good.

Just imagine how inappropriate this conversation would’ve been if the topic had been sexuality.
Me: ‘I’m straight.’
Troll: ‘You’re not straight. Why would you say that you’re straight. That’s weird.’
Me: ‘Eh.. I’m attracted to guys. I date guys. I like guys.’
Troll: ‘Yeah. That doesn’t say anything. I read your blog and everything indicates that you’re gay.’
Me: ‘Ehm. Nope.’
Troll: ‘How about you fuck a guy right in front of me and prove that you’re straight‘
Me: ‘-fucks a guy-‘
Troll: ‘Not good enough.’
Troll: ‘You’re just faking being straight. Look at Ricky Martin. They did it for 30 years. Or Freddie Mercury. Nope. You’re gay.‘

Or weird-as-fuck American politics :O
Me: ‘I’m a Democrat.’
Troll: ‘You’re not a Democrat. Why would you say that you’re a Democrat. That’s weird.’
Me: ‘Eh.. I’m sane. I think Trump is an idiot. I totally support Biden.’
Troll: ‘Yeah. That doesn’t say anything. I read your blog and everything indicates that you’re a Republican.’
Me: ‘Ehm. Nope.’
Troll: ‘How about you vote Biden and prove you’re a Democrat.‘
Me: ‘-votes Biden-‘
Troll: ‘Not good enough.’
Troll: ‘You’re just faking being a Democrat. Your statements mean nothing. You’re definitely a Republican.‘

I could go on with religion. Or eye-color. My choice of console (Xbox, duh). Or anything else that you should in no way have to ‘prove‘ to anyone.

Seriously. This whole thing. It’s too hilarious.
I could write an entire Gabriel Iglesias special on this.

But alas. Since I’m apparently not Dutch any longer I suppose I’ll have to move. And ditch my love for hagelslag. And stroopwafels. And jonge kaas. And never buy tulips again. And. And. And.
I’m sorry for lying to you, loyal followers. The internet says I’m not Dutch. So it must be true.

Ps. They always say: don’t feed the trolls (aka: don’t give them the attention they’re craving). But then, seeing as I’m not Dutch AND a rebel. I did. Booyah.