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I’m a killer.

In my house there live three plants. Three actual, non-plastic plants that I was somehow conned into purchasing as opposed to my strict plastic-greens-only policy up to that point. Because people, much like with babies, always feel like it’s their destiny to convince you to bring things into a house that require care. Whether it’s puppies, or kittens of babies or ‘green babies’ as all those insane plant-mamas call them, the general populace seems to agree that in order to be human, we need to prove this by taking care of other entities that are alive.

And I. Can’t.

These are the first plants I have owned in the past few years (save from some cacti that just…won’t…die (no matter of the neglect I put them through)). And these poor plants, they are miserable. I just know they are. I don’t water them enough, or I water them entirely too much. I don’t open the curtains most days so god knows they’re craving some sun as much as my body is (although I at least have the option to supplement with pills for the vitamin D). They’re a sorry lot, these plants.

Plus – they’re not just miserable – they’re also dying.

Very slowly and agonizingly, I imagine, but they are. They shed more leaves than I shed hair (and lemme tell ya, that’s a lot. I’m genuinely surprised some days that I’ve not yet gone bald.). I’m quite frankly very surprised that they even made it this long (I think the 6 months I’ve had ‘em is a new record for me). I once even killed one of those supposedly ‘unkillable’ succulents by giving it so much water (poured over the top) that the heavy top layers crushed and killed the lower ones until the whole thing just…collapsed into itself. Poor thing.

Anyway, the current three are also supposedly very low maintenance. Which means that my erratic watering patterns hadn’t really phased them as much as one might expect. So far. But now that ‘Winter is coming‘….they’re giving up. Because two of the three plants – they do not appreciate the blazing heat from the radiators they’re posted next to, now that I’m artificially pumping up the temperature to a solid 22 degrees, all day every day. They could deal with the lack of sun (sort of, I put them outside every once in a while for a bunch of hours) and they’ve soldiered on from the lack of sustenance but this? This heat? It seems to be the last drop for them.

Thing is?

Sucks for them.

Because this just EXTRA BOLDLY underlines why I, the writer of this blog, should not be put in charge of caring for ANYTHING other than myself (I’m generally doing quite a shitty job at that, as well).

Mostly because as the only thing I’m thinking right now is: ‘Sucks to be you, plant. I gots to keep the heat on.’. But also because I already KNEW they were going to inevitably die a slow and painful death upon purchasing them.
There’s just no way I’m going to turn down the temperature to keep said plants alive. I go first, bitches. And I’ll sit here and watch them wither away without a twinge of guilt in this black heart of mine. I’ll just order a couple of new plastic ones from Ikea when these perish. Evolve or die in this house. Evolve or die.

30 thoughts on “I’m a killer.

      1. SMiles… Conditionally i Have
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  1. haha I love your comment about your hair, I have long hair and my husband is forever saying that my hair is ALL OVER THE PLACE ! I have also wondered why I haven’t gone bald yet. I used to have tons of plants, I’m also down to three. We travel a lot and it’s hard to care for them. But these last three are hanging on, I hope they make it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Succulents winter well outside especially if they are in the ground. They even survive the deer who chew the soft tops off them. Don’t blame you for wanting to be warm. A new plant addition is red jalapeno peppers we have inside, looks surprisingly Christmasy. Walking outside two days ago along sagebrush I spotted a coyote who was trotting ahead of me – nice surprise. Have a great day.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Wait!? What were you saying?!
    “I’m generally doing quite a shitty job at that, as well”?

    That’s not fair!

    Now what Am I supposed to say (since “you took the words right out of my mouth”? 😉🤣)

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Nope, not drunk (this time 😉).
        While I started reading your blog, I thought something quiet similar to (“Zoe is ‘known’ for”) “generally doing quite a shitty job at that, as well” and then, halfway your blog … “you took the words right out of my mouth” (the title of an old song by Meatloaf, by the way)

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m relating so hard to this post haha 😂 I even wrote a thing about killing plants on my blog too, last summer, and this reminded me of it. Some of them are still hanging in there so I’d like to think that I’m evolving but maybe it’s just like you said- they’ve evolved to survive me.

    Liked by 1 person

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