The misery habit

I got an email from the ex last night.
At least — that’s what I’m assuming seeing as it was an obviously fake mail-address and sent through the contact form on this website in his style of writing (fitting with the previous style of loves and comments to let me know he was still reading along on this blog).

I suppose it was a smart solution for having been blocked everywhere else and in all honesty it was quite a sweet mail with views on my apparently very fragile mental state exuding from my blogposts and a need to make sure I was actually ok.
(didn’t realize I was coming off as that much of a wreck? But just fyi – I’m actually doing quite well all things considering – the dark tone that works so well in blogs is not my general state of being all day every day 😉)

It still had me thinking though. Because even after I’d deleted that e-mail before my eager hands typed the reply I very badly wanted to type after the initial OMG IT’S HIM excitement (and after I then cleared the bin to make sure it was gonegone) I was still thinking about the words in that mail. Damn you photographic memory, replaying the words like they were still on the screen. Was I really that much of a wreck?

You see – these past few months I bounced from a slightly desperate (and intensely unsuccessful) rebound-hunt to my current spinster hermit mode (with a few moments of ‘I gotta get him back’ and ‘I need to move to another country and change my name to Conchita’ in between) but haven’t really found a place for myself that felt ‘right‘ yet.

But I couldn’t find it in myself to reply with the witty response I’d practiced in my head a million times for this moment: ‘Wait. You’re sending me a message? Why the fuck would you do that? Are you suddenly single and mono? No? Why are you contacting me then? Cause we literally have nothing to talk about until you are. Which is never..’.

But the intent was there right, that’s gotta count for something!
(I’m conveniently counting out the part of me that just wanted to strike a conversation and keep that going).

And on pondering why that was I realized that it’s probably because I’m such a creature of habit.

I blogged about my bad habits, and demons and set-in-stone behavioral patterns before and am now coming to the conclusion that I have added yet another to my list of horrible habits: being heartbroken and miserable.

Because the more I think about the moments that I feel so lost and unwilling to start something new these days – the more I realize that he and what we were doesn’t feature in those regrets all that much. I can’t really pinpoint what it is that I feel like I’m missing anymore. Just like I can’t really decide on what we had that I still need. It’s tied to what happened, but also exists separately from it entirely. It’s all just a big bubble of heartbreak and misery that I’m kind of stuck in. And I’ve now come to fear that that’s just because I’ve gotten too used to the feeling. Too much into the habit of feeling bad and sorry for myself to be able to shake it off.

And as providence then has it – a friend just at that moment just sent me a positive energy video (too muuuuuch but still secretely awesome) – that in the Youtube autoplay thankfully was followed by this awesome motivational video:

Normally I can’t stand these type of inspirational hodgepodge barf-modules like that first link. But Kevin Hart makes it SO vivid. Makes change seem SO valuable. Necessary. Makes happiness seem so accessible!

Guess I’ll have to put my thinking cap on (again) and get to work on some healthier behaviors so the rest of you out there don’t also think I’m wallowing in a pit of despair I can’t possibly get out of. Because (and I stress this again) a relationship is not my only purpose in life and outside of that veeeery unsuccessful element to my roster (which just lends itself better for blogging about than my happy work and personal life)– I’m actually doing well on pretty much every other front that matters.

So I guess this is a thank you for that email, ‘kind stranger’.
(and genuinely sorry if you were an actual not-ex mailer XD)