The unthinkable happened folks!
The world must be coming to an end! Apocalypse is nigh! Hell hath frozen over and the flying monkeys are soon to descend from Walhalla.
I sent someone a first message.
On a dating site.
For actual dating.
SHOCKING. I KNOW! I made the first move. Which, in many ways is UNIQUE!
Throughout my life I have happily made use of dating apps (and equally unhappily, I might add). And though I grunt and moan and nag and bitch at them – they do serve their purpose. And they do it well. But lately I was app-tired. Or well, tired of the ‘casual’ness that is connected to most, if not all, of these apps.
I felt myself craving a bit more. A real connection. An actual date that wasn’t just counting down minutes to get into pants or under dresses or onto a bed. So I went on a –gasp– actual dating site. Paid for a membership, filled out an EXCESSIVELY long profile with all the pretty pictures, and witty profile text and men-enticing interests. The works.
Now, you must know – I, as the strong independent woman that I am – love to be woo-ed. And woo-ing, as an act of woo, is to be done by a gentleman with the bravery to make the first move. If I ever were to join an app like Bumble where I’m obliged to take a first step I’d die dry and barren (although, arguably, I still might). I have not ever (ok, HARDLY ever) made ‘the move‘. I’ve never had to. I’ve never dared to. AND (as you might recall – that one time that I sorta did din’t end well).
But today, as I was exploring this dating website and a whole ‘new‘ pool of possible suitors (which is an overstatement seeing as I recognized pretty much the entire populus from Tinder) I found a profile that I actually….genuinely…loved. Was wow-ed by. Got enthused about.
Bart.
Bart, according to his ACTUALLY WORDY PROFILE TEXT was a doctor working as a neurologist-swoon-. He had interesting hobbies, and not one picture of him holding a fish or riding an elevator. There were three hilarious puns in his captions AND he listed one of my favorite fantasy series as a must-read. I was smitten.
So, unlike EVERY usual timid, shy, wallflowery part of me – I brought up the courage and wrote HIM a message, instead of wishing and praying on the goddesses of love that he might notice and adore me alike I did him.
It was a great message. An awesome message. It might even have been the best message ever – formatted exactly as I would want a first message sent to me to be. There was a witty anecdote, some tie-ins to his profile text to show that I’d actually read it, and to end it all I figured I’d try something supercheesy that EVERYONE always does, with five winks, to show him that I didn’t take dating too seriously. ‘and I’ll end this message with a freebie. You can ask me ANY question you’d like. No ramifications.‘
I. made. an. Effort.
So when my inbox thingy blinked red with a notification, I rejoiced. I leaped up, anxious and excited to read this prince charmings well-worded reply to my perfect first message. I was already planning first dates, and rose petalled beds in saucy hotels near a beach and naming the kids I definitely do not want to be having.
But, as the world has a tendency to do, my ‘fresh start‘ and daring venture and mission to unroot Zoë’s world of dating into an apocalypse was thwarted before it had a true chance to start.
There sat his message.
‘Doe je anaal?’
‘Do you do anal?’
Nothing more. Nothing less. Classy Bart. Classy.
And all was well with the dating world once more.
Up for some more Tinder Tales?
Keep reading:
Tinder Tales – Picture Perfect
Tinder Tales – Virtually Unique
Tinder Tales – Why ARE we here?
Tinder Tales – Darn those algorithms!
Tinder Tales – Anal.
Tinder Tales – Picky
Tinder Tales – But what does it mean?!
Tinder Tales – The curious case of the neckbeard
Well, do you? 😂
I share your pain. I too have built a dream life with a photo on a screen and imagined the happy ever after where we blissfully skip along the shoreline, cuddle up on the sofa devouring wine and chocolate and co-own a dog named Herbert.
You at least got a message back so you’re comfortably beating me 🥴
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If he hadn’t replied I could’ve at least still fantasised a while about how he bravely perished fighting 3 robbers in a home invasion while typing his reply to me 🤷♀️
Herbert is an awesome dog name!
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I remember, and do not miss at all, that experience. I bet they paid someone to write their profile. I used to like to try to parse out who it was and try to date that person.
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Damn!!! Guess he used your freebie question way to seriously 🙄 but your still lucky cause you atleast got a reply! Maybe not the one you were expecting though!Good luck finding someone who actually wants to build that connection 👍
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Ugh… Waiting
For This ‘Ending’
With Foreshadowing
Of Course… Always
Seeing Silver Linings
In Darkest Places
At Least IT Is to
The Point
With No
Beating
Around the Bush🙃
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Right. At least he cut to the chase before going out on a date. 🙂 You may have accidentally spit your wine out on him if he asked over dinner.
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But that would have a somewhat dramatic effect (hopefully) on him attempting it again in the future XD
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You Are
Probably
Meaning
To Respond
To Zoe Never
‘The Less’ So
Glad i Got Married
And Stay
That Way
31 Years
Through
Hell
And
Boiling
Water
Better
Yet
Never
Having
To Deal
With Modern
Swipe Left
And
Right
Life
No
Wonder
Sales of
DIY
Tools
Are
Booming
By The Way
i Am Just
The Old
60
Year
Old
Dude in
The Gravatar
The 50
Year Old
Prize
Wife
Retains
All Her Value
In Never Aging
Spirit HeART
Soul Yes
Still
Boiling
Hot
Fiery
At 50
Yes i
Only Reply Yes Dear
Nope Wouldn’t Trade
Her in For 2000
Or So Modern
Instagram
Models
Around
Age 21
And Yes
i Have
Over
2000 Photos
To Prove
It
But
Of
Course
Only Angels
Dance With me…
-Always
Saving
Damsels
In Distress
Old School Indeed HeHe
Or Bringing
Ecstatic
Joy
In SMiLes
At Least When
i Dance as Not
Unlike John
Nash
In The
Fictional
Part of A ‘Beautiful
Mind’ i Always
Say Yes Dear
You May
Have
This
Dance
No
Matter
Blonde
Or Brunette HeHe
And YeS AGAiN
Photos
Or
None of
This Happened
Yet in The
Fossil
Record
Of my 8.7 MiLLioN
Word Free Verse
Blog Poem
With
Over
100,000
Photos And
10,000
You
Tube
Videos
There is
No Longer
A Need For
A Bigger
Noah’s
Ark
Of A
Covenant
Or Holy
Grail
At
Least
For me
The Spider
This Just
Another
Part
Of
A Web HAha
Now Escape
Quick
While
You Still
Will As
i Never
Stop
Spinning
What ComeS AGAiN😜🙌
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t see where to follow your blog or comment. Interesting flow there.
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SMiles Thanks😁
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Are you an AI?
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WeLL It’s Literally
True i’m on
The Autistic
Spectrum
Yet Particularly
Blessed With
Hypomanic
Bi-Polar
Steady
Colors
Of Dance
And Song
Free Regulating
Emotions Integrating
Senses it’s Worth
Noting Autistic
Is Just
One Letter
R Away
From
U
As
Artistic
With SMiLes
Yet True Through
My Work Career
With The Federal
Government
Retiring
From
33 Years
Of Total
Work
Often
Referred
To As Just
A Valuable
Commodity
Solving All
The Problems
Doing 90
Percent
Of The
Work
Lauded
With
A Mind
Of Machine
Yes Computer
Brain For Decades
Then Anyway
Blew A
Fuse
A Few
Indeed A
Synergy
Of 19 Life
Threatening
Disorders
Shut-in
My Home
For 66 Months
Coming Out
Of That
Cocoon
And
Now For
88 Months
In Heaven
Within
Wings
Just
Free
Naked
Dance
And Song
Now off To
Explore Your
Blog Yes
With Thanks
i Didn’t Speak
Till 4 Peers
Told me i
Didn’t Deserve
To Exist Yet
Completing
3 Degrees
At
Once
With
3 Part
Time
Jobs
More Friendly
Female Peers
Asked
Me if
i Was
Superman
Named That At
Work
And
Just
A Living
Legend
By
The Metro
Audience
Still Dancing
Masked Public
Now 14,088
Miles of
Public
Dance
In 87 Months
Moral
oF A STory
Reader Condensed
Digestible Version
Still Inspiring
Now Military
Men 4 Decades
My Junior Leg
Pressing Up
To 1520
Pounds
At 60
At The
Military
Gym but
Only 1340 Pounds
Recorded as YouTube
Proof on my Blog
Slowly Pressed
At A 90 Degree
Safe Back
And Knee
Angle
12 Reps
For 100 Seconds
Moral oF A STory
i am only
Starting
To Discover
Human
Potentials
More NoW
Indeed
Always
Start
Now
Never
End
My
FRiEnD
And if
Any Naysaying
Comes
Let
The
Dark
Big
Bang
Another
Multi-UNiVeRSe
Of Breathing Potential
LiGHT
LoVinG
This
Precious
Breath
This
Gratitude For
Life in DarK
And
LiGHT
Yet
To Green
Spring
Again Now
As Every Step
And Word Creating
Sacred Holy
Dance
And
Song
Yes Just
ALWaYS
STaRTinG
Never
Ending
In Laser
Focus
Of
Autotelic Flow
Eternally
Now
Beyond
All Distance
Space Time Matters
🌊💫🌊😁🌊
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Why did I just sing his question to the tune of “do you like pina coladas” ???
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Last time I did the whole “dating via a service” was in the dark ages of finding interesting posts in the last half-dozen pages of a weekly newspaper.
My experiences were… not very inspiring.
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Although I’ll admit no one asked me if I was into anal.
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Maybe if they had…you would’ve felt more inspired 😜🤭
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It seems highly improbable. Offers for extreme games with nipple piercings notwithstanding.
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Yikes!
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meet me in the middle
des moines
dennys
cya there.
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You’re brave to take the risk. I hope the flying monkeys don’t get released.
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Fingers crossed!
Although they probably make better company than Bart…
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This really is the most bizarre Dutch phrasebook I’ve ever…
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🤣
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Gotta keep the standards high for the ones actually trying to learn a new language eh!
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As usual the anticipation is far better than the reality. Better luck next time xx
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What an asshole!
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Holy smokes! Asshole…
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Lol, Bart! No wonder he’s single!
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Oh my god!!!😂😂
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Heh heh heh heh. I’m sorry to hear that prince charming is not so after all. However, congrats to you for dropping some balls and making the first move. Maybe it will work out better next time :).
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L.M.F.A.O. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
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You’ll not be making any kids that way!! It’s a dead end. A blind alley.
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😂😂😂
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😁
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😂🤧😂
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I suppose that IS a bonus….mmmm….maybe I should’ve been more ‘open’ to his suggestions XD
(oh god, that was baaaaad)
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🤣🤣🤣😅😅😅
Baaa🐑aad!!!
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Woww 🤭🤭🤭
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The Bots. They are either PERFECT or they have weird grammar.
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Hearhear!
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Damn! After all that effort. At least you got a measure of him before you put in any more time and energy.
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There’s definitely a positive to that negative! XD
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Oooooooooooooh nooooooooooooooooooo!
No No No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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That’s not what she said :X winkwinknudgenudge hahaha!
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This made me chuckle – for so many reasons.
Great post!! 😁👍🖤
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Why thank you! -takes a bow-
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You’re most welcome 😁🖤
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I gave up on dating apps years ago…
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Prooooobably a way smarter move than stubbornly staying on them in hopes of finding the pearl between the swine 😀
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Definitely, although my situation is probably a bit different.
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Aren’t we all unique little butterflies in that regard 😉
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Unique, yes. I’ve never thought of myself as a butterfly. 😛
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Maybe you should start, hihi!
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I don’t know… I don’t really feel like a butterfly.
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I’m sorry that was your experience. And, I second what others have said here. You did take that step. That part was excellent and you now know you dont have to waste your time on Bart.
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Agreed!
Thanks :D!
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OMG bahahhaha! It’s funny how often men on dating apps turn out to be just what you DIDN’T expect. 😛
But I hope this doesn’t deter you from making the first move again!!
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It’s cured me of the intent for a good long while I fear XD
But who knows. There might be a Bart 2.0 waiting out there for me. At least the attempt makes for good writing material. So who knows!
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I seldom comment on your blog because most of the time I feel pretty speechless. I don’t know what to say because…well, I just don’t know what to say. There is one point about this story that I am having a difficult time believing. Now, I believe everything you said about liking to be wooed and wowed and that is all as I think it should be (as if you needed my approval, lol) but for some reason, the idea that you are timid, shy, and wallflowery just doesn’t jibe to me somehow.
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It’s one of the true mysteries of this awesome world, Herb! Why? How? 😉
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Hahaha – I love how it’s that line that made you come out of the woodworks to comment (and I love how there’s such a compliment hidden in your surprise). Sadly, I’ll have to assure you that it’s true. Only when it comes to interactions with men I’m interested in though, when it comes to ‘normal’ situations and parties and such, I indeed hold no such qualities 🙂
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lol. Very cool. You are not the only one.
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I would have firmly answered him:
Yes, but I only do men
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Bend over and take it, baby XD
And then send him a picture of the biggest Bad Dragon dildo I could possibly find. That would’ve been a brilliant plan :O
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Oh my…..Did he really say that? 🙈 I want to believe that you came up with this for the fun of this post. But as a guy who tries his best to be respectful and mature whenever I’ve tried these dating apps, I can confirm that this story of yours is not one of a kind. Sorry, don’t mean to sound like it holds no value. I just mean that apparently most men on these dating apps are literally the same as this guy you mentioned. I’ve been applauded for my behavior (I feel no accomplishment for it) and then told about the horrible stories once they understand I’m not on their same path. I continuously got shocked of how these men have kept lowering the bar. Although one would think that it helps out the ones like me that don’t misbehave. But on the contrary, many times women have such low expectations from us that none take you seriously when you’re being genuinely nice and interested. Thanks to all the assholes I have to pay for their idiocy right from the beginning as If I was the one who started on the wrong foot. It’s frustrating having to prove how you’re not unworthy instead of just proving you’re worthy. Nowadays, us men are a joke to most women. I can’t blame women to feel that. They kinda should definitely feel entitled to judge all men in the worst way right from the starting line. Sadly…
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Haha – admittedly, I COULD easily have made this up, but alas, it is the actual truth of the matter.
And I can understand your feelings on the matter coming from the opposite side. I do, indeed, treat everyone as guilty until proven innocent these days, instead of the other way around. Everyone starts in the negatives and have to earn their points into grace instead of starting at 0 and determining their own fates. But yeah, you nice guys do have all the douchewads in the dating world to thank for that.
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😆 Lucky me. Lucky us “nice guys”. So sad and funny at the same time how not being a douche has to translate into being nice and not just being standard.
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I wonder if the guy has worked out yet why he is still single 🤔😂😂😂. I wonder if that would have been his opening question on a blind date with somebody! Or he may have got the starters out of the way first? Haha
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I’m more interested to see if he’d dare deploy this approach in an actual bar or supermarket. And then I’d love to be around to see him try and get smacked up the gob!
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Such a courageous story and I was actually happily smiling all the way down, reading your blog. Genuinely happy you made all those new steps: a new ‘channel’. the first move, a brave text and well composed text-message (many of us can imagine what you’re capable of).
Then … sorry … al loud burst of laughter!! 😂 (Again: sorry).
If you didn’t want us to know all of this (or if you don’t want us to chuckle about this plot) you shouldn’t have shared it. So, I don’t think you’re bothered by us smiling or laughing, at all.
Let me say: if you had this all made up just to make us laugh out loud, you succedeed for every inch and word of your text. You’re THE BEST !
If however it, as I pressume, this is a factual respresentation of your latest ‘Tinder’-like experiences, it doesn’t make the average men on those sites / Apps look any bit the gentlemen you’re looking for.
Sad. Very Sad.
But you also made me very curious: what was your answer to Bart’s question?
Do you actually do … 😉 (pun intended)?
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I was sitting here reading this going like ‘courageous? what’s courageous about this.’
It only hit me later that you meant the ‘first step’ part that I’d totally calculated out at the focal point of this story :X
Whoops!
It was mostly meant for laughs, not for courage haha!
As for what I replied to Bart – thou all shalt never know.
But I am a woman of my word so when I say ‘no ramifications’ you can imagine I will at least still have answered truthfully >:)
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Fucking hell!! 😂😂 What an unexpected twist and severe let down. Don’t worry, Zoe, someone sane is just around the corner.
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So I hope – because dya know what they say also hides around corners? SURPRISE BUTTSEX! 😉
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😂😂
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Classy Tinder 😂
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😧
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That was always one of the first questions a friend of mine would ask women. He really really liked anal, but it’s also a great way to quickly rule out people who are not sexually compatible.
Personally, I’ve always thought that guys who love anal probably have small dicks.
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I do agree that it can be (and probably is) a very valid question on his part, but in general he might want to opt for a bit more a lead-in to questions like that, regardless of dick size, teehee!
More chance of actually getting to the point of where it becomes relevant XD
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Oh well. At least you found out nice and early.
Glass is half full while the butt remains totally empty. 🤣 – Michael
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lmao XD
(pun intended)
It’s funny cause it’s so so true!
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Reblogged this on Notes and commented:
LMFAO!!!!
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LOL! PERFECT.
Sorry and so glad I’m old and married 🙂
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This made me guffaw slightly louder than it should have. Sorry. 😂
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All is forgiven xD (I did the same)
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Hahahaha excellent 🙂
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LMAO! What a freaky jerk
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O. My. God….
😂.😂.😂…
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And the other shoe drops…every single time.
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OMG. What a douche. Hang in there. I swear there are decent men out there.
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Now only to actually FIND them too XD
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Lol. I found one at 51 YO, so there’s hope for you for sure 😉
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