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Getting over ‘it’.

There’s still a lot of times each week that I get a sharp little ping that reminds me that I’m (still) not over ‘it’. A nasty little jab, a painful tiny sting, a searing jolt in the side – just to remind me there’s still a world of hurt right there, in plain sight. And it frustrates the crap out of me, because if there’s one thing I crave it’s getting fucking over it.

I say ‘getting over it‘ very consciously. The it in that sentence is key. These past three months have been centered around healing up a hole that was left. Not by him – but by who I was when we were together. Healing me – not the remnants of us.

Getting over him was easy – in that regard. If I’m being honest, I wouldn’t even be able to remember his voice or recollect his face anymore. That part’s just gone. The memory of his hands on my body, feeling his or any recollection of the talks we had? Missing. And rightfully so.

Cutting him from my life was as easy as the other guys that disappeared that same way. One, two *snip* and the effects are pretty simple. His being no longer takes up space in my brain. He made sure of that in the way we had it end. And that has definitely made things easier.

What remains, however, is the ‘it’ I HAVEN’T yet gotten over. And that’s proving to be a right bitch to take care of.

‘It’ is losing that feeling of being entirely satisfied and whole in the presence of another human being. ‘It’ is no longer effortlessly feeling amazing, beautiful, skilled and worthy all at the same time – in the eyes of another. ‘It’ is the strength to be able to make bold choices in the knowledge of anothers support and finding solutions knowing you’ll have someone there to help make them happen. ‘It’ is the loss of experiencing the freedom to give in to all the important bits, be they sexual, spiritual, professional or omnomnomingal without judgment or remorse.

‘It’ is an end to being the best person I ever thought I was in the best time I ever had in the best place I’ve ever been. And that ‘it’ has proven a tough loss to take.

Especially since I, to this day, still feel the stupidity of that year weigh me down. Knowing that it was me, putting that sort of power in the hands of another. To give someone else so much rule over who I could be and then be surprised when it was easily taken away. Mercilessly.

So when I say I still struggle – there is no longer any ‘him‘ in that equation. All I need to figure out is how to get over ‘it‘. And with getting over it – I mean getting all of those good things back WITHOUT having a simple and unavailable person attached to making those positives happen. I need to get my own ‘it’ to replace the ‘it’ that was lost.

And though that’s been continuously hurting, and proving to be impossibly hard to do – it’s bound to be THE way forward. Because once I have that ‘it’ taken care of – I’ll end up being enough for me. By myself And that’s when I’ll be able to find room for another.

God. That sounded way too wise and pretentious. I just gotta get over it. Period.

43 thoughts on “Getting over ‘it’.

  1. Breakups are so hard. We all struggle to get over “it.” Be easy on yourself. Sounds like you’re on your way to feeling better. He wasn’t the one for you if he’s not there anymore…Every day is a step forward and closer to whom you are meant to be with!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I had to find that IT ten years ago, after 30 years of marriage. I remember sitting in my apartment after the split and although feeling a sense of relief and peace, the quiet was a bit disconcerting. Now what do I do? Where do I go from here?

    What did help me through this time, to find myself, was family and friends. I didn’t realize how much support I had circling around me, even before the divorce. So, in trying to get over it, lean on your friends and family to help you navigate the journey of finding you. Be kind and forgiving to yourself and unabashedly enjoy the time you have for discovery. Keep moving forward.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. ‘The quiet was disconcerting’

      That hits the nail on the head!
      The silence, uncertainty, unsure loneliness. Exactly that is the most scary!

      Seeking distraction in those around you sounds smart. Although I tend to go in shutdown mode instead….

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Although I’m not a really strong believer in the necessity of ‘healing’ I do agree it’s indeed about YOU, finding yourself (and determining what you did or did not do (as one of the involved actors) on ‘the stage’ of your own ‘play’. Because arguably you can’t influence another person, but you can learn from what you brought to the table, or … what you’ve accepted but was ‘no good’ for you.

    As you wrote so beautifully in your Blog ‘Shelving the Book of Him; “I don’t need to fix my heart – for it was never really broken, it was just changed by the time spent with him.” That’s why this sentence struck me right away: “By who I was when we were together (= your choices). Healing me – not the remnants of us.” It all starts with you … (from another context, but nonetheless: “Is this where I ACTUALLY get to say the line β€˜It’s not you….it’s me?!β€˜ and not be lying?”)

    As my circumstances are not very different from yours, I might say you gave words to what I’ve been feeling for some time. In my words I would express it this way: I’m ‘waiting’ for the moment that I can carry the weight of my own gravity again. That I can stand my ground.


    Not in need of anyone (to support me). “Finding out who I am without someone dictating who I should be.” I want to face myself and ‘grow’ again till the moment I can proclaim that I’m fine, not hurt, not in search of someone to complement me. I want to come to the point that I’ve given myself enough time to reflect on the good and bad within me, and than agree to accept myself as I am (which is not easy, I can tell you πŸ˜‰).

    Only then I will be ready to ask ‘the world’ (or especially a significant other) to accept me for who and what I am. Without carrying ‘the burden of my ‘lesser’ me’ still on my back (or worse: handing MY ‘back-pack of sorrow and despair over to any other as a ‘part of the deal.’ That might jeopardize anything that blossoms anew from the get go). I don’t want to become an ‘unwanted’ weed in someones back yard.

    Until that day I want to re-establish of ‘re-find-out’ who I am or want to be. What parts of me are OK (and ‘non negotiable’ / no compromise). Only when you are standing on your own two feet again, firmly, you are able to really open up to someone new, to give and receive love, to build bridges and accept compromises (while standing your ground).

    I sincerely hope to run in to someone that understands (and underlines) the importance of being in accord with yourself as an important ‘cornerstone’ for building something new …

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I love this comment and agree wholeheartedly! For me it’s about becoming independent again, sure of our own identity. When that’s strong, you never really “need” another person again (dependence). Instead, you become interdependent… Strong and capable of being on your own, but choosing to be with someone else because you synergise together.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. As this personal Blog of course is not about ME: I sincerely hope YOU will eventually run into someone who fits you like a T, too.

    Someone who accepts you as you are and who, for the joy of being with you, is ready to compromise where needed. I hope you will indeed be able to find the middle ground where it won’t hurt. So you can fit together in ways that are alright for both.

    And maybe, just maybe, you’ll be ready before you actually notice you are, but simply realize it when you fall back in love again … 😊

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Hmmm πŸ€” … twice …
        I don’t remember even the intent of invoking images of finger-fucking with my comment … πŸ€ͺ

        But I β€˜think’ I get the point 🀞🏽πŸ₯°πŸ˜Ž
        I wish β€˜us’ all the best! πŸ‘ŠπŸΌ

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I often imagine the little pieces of me in my brain pounding on one another — Anger is mad at Hurt which is buddying up in the corner with Fear and making fun of Content who has tripped and fallen into the tar pit again …. Anyway, thanks for sharing this. Now excuse me while I put all my brain pieces on a time-out.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Sometimes we try so hard to get over things, that we don’t realise that it’s that ‘trying’ that is getting in the way. When you accept that you will get upset, and that it’s okay for it to bother you, and that it’s okay to go at your own pace, will you start to see yourself heal ❀️ sending you a hug!

    Liked by 4 people

  7. It’s so true what Maya Angelou said, “People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel.” It’s funny how even if your breakup was a long time ago, you can still have flashbacks if something happens that reminds you of them. Take care!

    Liked by 4 people

  8. I’m apparently a writer to my core. I can, I’m told, write with passion and power and stuff…
    But I read this and I just wanna say: “Yeah… I’m in a place right now… I don’t wanna explain it or analyse it or justify it… I simply wanna find a way through… and find something worth holding… find where me was (or is) in the middle of it.”
    So, in the wake of all the real stuff that sparks against my… my soul, I guess… when reading this post…
    I kinda feel like Charlie Brown from the Peanuts cartoon. They’re looking at the sky. Linus has just seen a whole miniature encyclopedia in the clouds, so Charie Brown replies:
    “Well, I was going to say I saw a ducky and a horsie, but I changed my mind!” (Charles M Schulz)

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Totally…

        and this is ridiculously randim, but I just got reminded that I’m on video doing the bunnyrabbit/ horsey thing at an open mike gig.
        Looking back, maybe I should have ditched the trapeze/ cloud thingy and gone into a rambling monologue about bunnywunny-horsey shenanigans…


    1. I had a similar impulse to say “just stop trying”. But if it were that easy, Zoe would have done it already. Us men love giving easy answers/solutions. Often, empathy and understanding is more helpful.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. It sounds to me like you’re rebuilding a part of yourself, or trying to anyway. That’s a struggle I can relate to, post-breakup. If you’re anything like me, then when you’re done you’ll feel so much stronger… Like you’re living intentionally rather than by accident. Good luck! This is a truly noble and worthwhile endeavour!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I appreciate your honesty about how you’re feeling and the struggles you’re having in the wake of the split. Things will eventually regulate. Keep being kind to yourself, do so much for you and remember that better days are just around the corner. You’ve been so strong so far and should be proud of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

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