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Measuring your life in exes.

People have a tendency to measure things in units that make little to no sense (and no, I’m not just talking about Americans and their weird as fuck semi-imperial-fuck-up-system – GO METRIC) for no added perks.

Take students for example, who manage to completely forgo the normal ‘money’ concept and start measuring things in beers to be purchased (seriously, they do that here). They don’t get paid xx amount for their work, but they earn 5 beers instead. ‘Do you wanna take over my shift tomorrow? It’s gonna get you 6 beers.’ Buncha weirdos.

And I once had an friend who had an aunt that measured things in scarves. She knitted. A lot. And mostly scarves for charity. But sometimes she took requests for clothing items. I once had her knit me a dress – the time of which she measured in scarves. ‘That’s going to take me at least 15 scarves to make.’. Which equalled two weeks, apparently (with the added bonus of knowing you apparently cost 15 needy people their scarf. But it was a gorgeous dress.)

The me-measurement

I – however – as I recently managed to put my finger on….tend to measure my time in exes. Or at least, I measure my past in who I ‘was’ as a person at the time of certain people in my life. Which means I often start sentences with ‘when I was with….’ to explain certain phases, activities or time-periods I went through.

Because for some reason it always feels like I was an entirely different person during my time with these men. With different preferences. Different ways of behaving. Different personality traits. I was a me-that-I-no-longer-am with each of them. Which also means that after every breakup follows that painful and awkward and hard-working period of self-discovery. Finding out who I am without someone dictating who I should be.

With ‘the long ex’ I would play boardgames all the time. I don’t anymore.
When I was with ‘the first ex’ I was so skinny and sporty. I worked out so much. I can’t anymore’
When I was with ‘the last ex‘ I used to like thisandthis. I completely lost my appetite for it.

It’s not even that I shape myself to be a different person for each of these guys. That I have to make myself who they need me to be just to suit their needs. Although, in some ways, I do, I suppose. As a part of a natural process of puzzle pieces interlocking, I guess. But I see it more as highlighting different aspects of ‘self’ to match the interests of the men I date. Not having to be someone I’m not.

Which means that, over time, the rest of ‘me’ simmers down into the forgotten preferences and I become a more one-sided person, for them. I don’t lose these parts of myself, I just bench them for the remainder of the match I play with the current selected partner. Us against the world, until the game is over and it’s each for themselves again. Only to rediscover the multi-faceted diamond that I AM anew every time I am freed into the world once more.

Sadly, the highlighted element. The thing that was ‘our’ thing – tends to become tainted as we end. I no longer enjoy board games the way I used to. They sit gathering dust in my cupboards (although, with a new ex on the playing field, my appetite for board games raked back up.) Just like I dropped sport after the first ex, but picked that back up since the long ex. It takes one ex, to regain interest in the preference I lost in the previous one (does that make sense?).

So I guess I gotta get myself a new ex to replace what I lost with the last one. OR (and this is what I’m hoping for) with this new realization, find the person that I can be all of my ‘me’s‘ with. So I can measure time like normal people. Instead of in people I’d rather not remember, for times with just parts ‘of me’ I’d rather not return to.

36 thoughts on “Measuring your life in exes.

  1. Interesting. Here people measure value in time and so.etimes amount if Labour put into anything. I like your thoughts on the exes. True though, life is usually in seasons and for you the clearly bring that out. Wishing you all the best I finding that one who you’ll be all the yous as desired. Great weekend.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Another ex… Hmmm. Sayeth Ian Malcolm; “I’m always looking for the next ex Mrs Malcolm”.

    Maybe that’s a possibility, if you don’t mind the whole chased and nearly eaten by dinosaurs on dates thing. 😀

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I’m getting to know you a bit better everyday (mostly) by reading your writings , and I couldn’t agree more: “(Only to rediscover) the multi-faceted diamond that I AM (anew).”

    Your quest (princesses, dragons, knights 😉) is exactly this: “Finding out who I am without someone dictating who I should be.” Which is not easy for someone with as many qualities as “different preferences.”

    I have FAITH that you will ‘succeed’, though, in fixing the interesting puzzle that YOU are (one day and one way or another): you owe it to yourself. And you’re smart & stubborn enough to find your own way. To make ‘all’ of the pieces fit.

    I wish more people were so self-aware and inclined to take up the gauntlet of their own puzzle of life. You inspire by writing about your own efforts and you give us a mirror to reflect and ponder about our own choices and our own path. Thanx!

    A thing of beauty, this blog! You seem to be able to surpass yourself in excellence many times. Looking forward for the next gem! 💎

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Go metric system indeed. As far as measuring one’s timeline in terms of exes, freebies or scarves. I think it’s a private and personal choice. Imposing that system on another person is a problem. As an example, it is appalling how many women complain about men objectifying them but judge other women based on their relationship status. When they don’t like someone, they devalue the person’s usefulness as a relationship accessory. Ridiculous.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m guessing that at the heart of things, there is a core you that doesn’t change with your lovers. I’ve been married a long time and our interests changed over time. It’s the same person with different interests. There were the years when we were really into going to music festivals. Then there was the time we were into cycling vacations. You write really well and are very engaging.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. As a scientist AND an American, I’m with you on the imperial vs metric. But, if anything, Americans are stubborn as fuck and hate change. I also think they consider it a badge of honor to have one of the most useless antiquated systems of measurement as their standard.

    Liked by 4 people

  7. I’m the weirdo who really loves taking on new hobbies and interests when I meet new people – romantic or otherwise. Even if the hobby doesn’t stay as much a part of my life, it’s still a chapter of my existence, and great fodder for stories. It’s not a flaw – it’s part of being open to different aspects of life, and seeing the world through many sets of eyes. Own that shit.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Nothing that is/was explicitly theirs no.
      No chance.
      Items acquired during our time together that are still useful, yes. But those, in my perception, are not theirs. Everything ‘them’ I remove. Mercilessly.

      Would you?


  8. Reblogged this on Notes and commented:
    This is quite an intelligent take on love life. I was looking for something interesting as this to chime in with my own views and VOILA! I found it. So here goes my “2 cents”;

    While reading this blog post, I fell in love with the author until she ended the post, hence the breakup with this end-note. I know this sounds crazy but let me explain since English is not my first language.

    All of us have very few and precious moments of life which we spend where we deem them best fit. So, here I spent my precious moments with someone and whatever is flowing via words, is totally inspired by her. For now, her words started something which of course will be ended with mine since I also exist in addition to her.

    Its like we are all different stars in this universe where we happen to cross each other’s path. Some stars collide with each other to give birth to new stars or planets. Some just pass by without causing any effect upon us since we never found them interesting to begin with.

    It is impossible for anyone to see every single inch of this huge planet called Earth. Just like that, we are all such huge beings (our selves) which even we can’t explore in our short lifespans.

    With every step and time, we learn, we grow and we change into another new individual. All of this means all of us are way more interesting than our “Exes” try to make us believe. The reason those poor souls are “Exes” is that they are not even “ABC’s” in their own lives, let alone being the last “X,Y or Z” in total strangers’ lives.

    Let’s celebrate our unique selves and let our Exes burn in their own hell. Amen! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is such an awesome addition to the writing, I love the reply (and the reblog!), thank you!

      The analogy of stars and planets totally works, you’re right. We’re all more than there is to be seen in one try. There’s always more to discover. They just won’t ever be the ones doing the discovering anymore >:)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Absolutely true. How unfortunate it is that the same eyes you see from so upclose, the same lips you kiss so passionately, the same souls that wrap around each other so tightly…. they become strangers so quickly, readily and easily. Thank goodness I never quit as I believe quitting is for faint-hearted people. That favor was done to me always by those strangers who were strangers to themselves before they said hi to me.

        And what is funny that they are still living in some la la land where they believe I’m dying to be in their lives again. LOL 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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