My life is one of duality. Of blacks and whites and polar opposites. I thrive on extremes and contrasts and at the same time envy those who can walk the middle road and find the grey areas between all those edges.
But my own personal desire for picking sides often leads to the very divide that makes me, as the image acompanying this writing says (thanks Arthur!), both a masterpiece and a work in progress.
I blame the fact that I am both an overthinker as well as someone that acts (and speaks) before they think. How exactly that contrast can fit in one person? Beats me, too. It is what it is tho.
While my brain tends to be always on – I highly suspect that there’s two separate traintracks in my head that only cross eachother at one particular point on their route but meander through the green pastures of my inner workings completely separately for the rest of the time. Which means that my body can be doing one thing while my brain is thinking and acting on an entirely different approach. Confusing as fuck.
It’s how, in my head, I’m a great softball player. I get the motions, I know the plays. I can spot a pitch and get the strategies. I just can’t actually DO it. My brain knows what it wants and my body isn’t even able to bring up the reflexes to field a basic bitch ball. Very frustrating.
Worse even – it’s how I can proudly be explaining to someone how I’ve quit drinking and am gonna eat healthy. Starting next Monday. While twisting the cap off a bottle of wine and waiting for the pizza delivery. The following looks of…well…barely contained laughter and pity are extremely punchworthy (luckily executing punching is a brainthing that my body rarely follows)
WORSERER even is when that treacherous body goes full rogue and entirely ignores the (very strict) (and very shallow) standards for attraction that my brain has set, and just goes full on sparks for someone entirely different. I’ve found myself suddenly falling for someone that ticks NONE of the body-boxes yet all of the others. Or exactly the other way around. To the extent that you’re laying there wondering ‘WHAT THE HELL IS EVEN HAPPENING. I DIDN’T KNOW MY BODY COULD RESPOND THIS WAY. AND….WHY NOW?!?!’. Only to now realize those kinds of things are doomed to failed even before they started.
I often find myself flabbergasted…at myself. In awe at how my decision-making-matrix can be completely overruled by spur of the moments decisions. And am amazed at how I can have those very sobering ‘what are you even doing right now?!’ disbelief moments 5 times a day without skipping a beat. Maddening as fuck. It’s like my brain and body are at constant odds with eachother, each going for their own preferred results.
There’s moments I look at my progress and choices with pride and awareness – seeing the makings of the masterpiece I might potentially become – and then there’s moments that those two tracks in my brain come together in a spectacular crash. And create a clash of thought versus action that returns the work in progress that I tend to be to a 0 state, forcing myself to start from scratch.
But hey. At least that unpredictability keeps things interesting, right?